


We could have been good.

by dudebo



Series: A path not taken [2]
Category: Gundam & Related Fandoms, Zeta Gundam
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Choking, Derogatory Language, Dirty Talk, F/M, Humiliation, Non-Consensual Groping, Pegging, Power Dynamics, Unhealthy Relationships, mutually abusive relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:47:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21692509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dudebo/pseuds/dudebo
Summary: "Maybe we should talk.- I don’t think we need to."
Relationships: Char Aznable/Haman Karn
Series: A path not taken [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1563730
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	We could have been good.

« Maybe we should talk. » he said. The room was cold and the light harsh.

« I don’t think we need to. » Haman replied. She was putting her clothes back on.

« You’ll be my first advisor. Get dressed, the staff will come to explain you everything that changed in your absence. » she said flatly, closing the door behind her.

He was left to speculate alone. What was she feeling, he wondered. Guilt from committing a despicable act? Distress at letting her base instincts bring a rat into her house ? Relief at ridding herself of a nagging infatuation? She was hiding behind her authoritative mask. He’d need to crack it if he wanted to find out.

But what was _he_ feeling? Now that the high was fading, everything inside him was coming crashing down. He did enjoy it. But he hadn’t wanted it. She had... He didn’t want to think about it. He decided to file away the sinking feelings of disgust and shame away.

I can deal with these latter. I’ll have the time, he told himself.

__

The next weeks didn’t help define the nature of their new relationship. She would flicker around him, give him smiles and light touches. But she was doing that with all her men, who all seemed delighted by the attention.

They must see this as a form of reward, he though, bemused. He didn’t enjoy the attention she gave him. He felt condescended to, like he was a dog or child, needing treats to do the most basic of tasks. Nevertheless, he played along. He needed to ensure his own continued survival.

Tension and anger was bubbling up inside him. He tried to ignore it.

__

Haman liked to make a show. After a particularly successful mission, she gathered all the participants in the great hall. Even if he was grounded (she wouldn’t want him running off or getting killed, after all) he was still invited to stand in line with the rest of the men for his ‘invaluable advice in the good running of the operation’. He couldn’t help but appreciate the sarcasm dripping from the description.

All the soldiers were standing next to each other, saluting. She passed each of them individually, giving them a smile, a positive comment, a touch. They all ate it up.

How can they fall for this, he wondered, how low can she get.

Finally, his turn arrived. Haman planted herself in front of him, staring into his eyes, and smiled. She put her finger below his jaw and lifted it up, lightly.

« Good job. », she said.

Then it hit him. Back then, when he was the one in her place, he was the one who would give her those treats. A smile to acknowledge her, a ‘good job’ when she succeeded, a pat on her shoulder... He had done the very same gesture, to her, only a few years ago, when she successfully shot down her first enemy suit.

That isn’t the same, he told himself. She should know that I don’t need that false attention to do my job. We’re both adults now. I never did to her what she did to me, I never would have done it. It’s not the same, she can’t do that...

The feelings he had buried were coming back up as slow, burning anger.

I need to calm down, he told himself. Those feelings are irrelevant, unbecoming. I’m better than this, he thought. If I loose control of myself, how can I hope to be worthy of my pride.

In a hurry, he left the room.

__

She caught up to him outside the room, leaving the other men behind.

« I don’t see why you’re so angry. » she said casually.

« I’m not angry. »

She smiled, amused. She must think I’m an idiot, he though, but what does she even know. Nothing, nothing at all.

« Peeved, being on the receiving end this time? »

He glared at her. Still smiling, she creeped closer, her heeled feet loud on the metal floor.

« Comfort yourself. I learned from the best. »

She moved her hand up to pet his hair. He pushed it away.

« Don’t touch me.

\- Little boy. »

Fast, she pressed her hand on top of his head, digging into his hair.

He tried to remain as stone-faced as he could, but inside, he was seething. I can tell that you are enjoying this, he though. It was never about pleasure, wasn’t it ? It was all about dominance, about revenge. Imposing yourself on me, because I used to have power over you.

He hated to think about it, but he understood, even related to her. He was a vital asset, but he needed to be broken down, otherwise he’d destroy her from the inside. That he hurt her in the past was a sweet bonus. If our positions had been reversed, I would have done the same, he tried to rationalize.

Finally, she pulled out, gave him a knowing smile. She turned and went back inside, letting him stew in his humiliation.

I need to fight back, he thought. I can’t let myself be beaten, be humiliated by _that._

__

He waited for an opportunity to get back at her, for a situation where he could put her in a position as humiliating as the one she put him through. He took an habit of hanging out on the top level of the mechanic workshop, lost in his own mind, with no one daring to go bother him. He was thinking up ways to better his situation, to get back at her.

Should I really fantasize about this, he asked himself in a moment of doubt. Won’t this just expose me to further debasement ? He laughed to himself. I truly am pathetic, he muttered.

A hand on his shoulder interrupted his train of thoughts.

« Thinking back on the glory days of your lost youth ? How pathetic. »

It was Haman, sounding very caustic. She probably heard him talk to himself.

« Even if her majesty won’t allow me to pilot one of these, I can still watch them. » he replied, gesturing at the massive mobile suits being repaired. She sighed.

« Come with me. »

He complied. She sounded more serious than usual. Perhaps she had trouble. This is an opportunity, he thought.

__

They entered a large and excessively ornamented conference room. One of her secretary was already there.

« What is going on, exactly ? » he asked, trying not to betray his excitement.

She passed her hand through her hair, as if trying to flatten it down.

« We’re going to be in direct communication with the mayor of a Federation colony that accepted to negotiate with us directly. If I get him to surrender bloodlessly, this could start a domino effect and get many other colonies to switch sides without wasting our war effort on them,. You know the rest. You’ve been here before.

\- So why do you need me there ? We both know you’re good at getting powerful men to submit to you. » They smiled at each other. We could be good with each other, he mused, if we didn’t have so much baggage.

« Your presence would add more weight to my words, so you’ll stand behind me. Silent. These must still be _my_ words, after all. »

He wanted to laugh, but prevented himself. It wouldn’t have helped.

« So you need me to be decorative.

\- Is that above your ability ? »

He didn’t respond and moved to the console screen, next to the secretary. Haman advanced between them and turned on the communication.

__

The conversation was so unbalanced as to be boring. The mayor was sweating bullets.The secretary was typing away. Haman was very amused. She doesn’t even need me at all, he thought.

This is too easy for her, he thought to himself, I can make this more complicated.He repressed a chuckle.

Silently, he took off his glove and sneaked his hand toward her back. He let it hover for a moment.

Is this really the right action to take, he asked himself. Is this going too far, is this too much of an escalation? This won’t help me at all. He put it down anyway.

She did not shiver. The negotiation kept going. Was she expecting it, he wondered. Maybe this isn’t enough. Maybe I should do more, go further.

He pressed his hand against the small of her back. Her black dress was soft and velvety, the light shimmering ever so slightly when he teased the fabric. He heard a huff.

The secretary had noticed his game. She looked young, younger than him. A bit older than Haman, maybe. How did she see him, how is she seeing this, he wondered. An older man creeping on a girl? An harassing coworker, taking advantage of a tense situation where Haman couldn’t protest ? An enemy, a rat, taking revenge ?

It doesn’t matter what she thinks, he thought bitterly. This is between me, Haman and no one else. Still, the other woman was staring at his hand, her face twisting.

Suddenly, Haman snapped at the secretary and told her to pay attention to the conversation. The mayor looked like he was about to melt. He was trying very hard to stay cool under pressure. She could stop me, he thought, she has control of the room. But she’s not doing it.

How can I use this, he thought.

Emboldened by her lack of outrage, he snaked his hand lower, on her upper tight. He could sense the threaded fabric. It was good, just a bit rough on his fingers. He could feel her warmth through it.Shamelessly, he climbed higher, lifting her skirt, up to her butt.

The secretary was trying very hard not to notice anything.

Haman was about done. The mayor was about broken. She’s about to hit her peak, he thought. Breaking the slightest smile, he squeezed her left cheek. She twitched.

The secretary had a full-body shiver. This isn’t about you, he thought, annoyed. Now, this can’t possibly ruin the negotiation, can it, he mused.

She barely missed the beat. The mayor didn’t notice anything. This was a total victory. He was still groping her butt, appreciating the sensation of the fabric and the feeling of plumpness under his palm.

The communication cut. He didn’t move his hand. She turned her head and stared at him, venomous. Tell me to stop, he dared her wordlessly.

« Can I be dismissed ? » said the secretary, visibly uncomfortable.

Haman slowly moved her gaze to the other woman, facing away from him. Silently, she pinched his wrist, digging her nails in. The pain was sharp. She wanted to break skin. Smiling, he let go.

« File the report for the archive. I need to discuss the further strategy with my advisor. »

The secretary bowed then ran out the room.

Haman adjusted her skirt and turned to him.

« To my office. Now. »

__

Her office was his old one, same as he remembered, with only a few pictures taken away. The large, comfortable chair was unchanged behind the desk, as was the large screen showing the starfield and spaceships outside. He turned to her, grinning:

« Not much has changed, hasn’t it?

\- Don’t talk unless I ask you to. » she replied, keeping her expression as neutral as possible. How is she feeling, he asked himself. I’d be furious. But she’s not me, is she. One of her flaws. He was riding this high as far as it could carry him.

Ignoring his amusement, she pushed the chair away from the desk and stood beside it.

« Do you want to sit in this chair one day ?

\- It used to be mine. »

She looked to the stars on the wall, wistful.

« Why don’t you sit on it again, then »

What is her angle here, he though. She clearly doesn’t want to give anything up. She’s planning something to get back to me, but what is it?

Despite his suspicion, he sat down. She sat on the desk, facing him. He could remember her doing that when she was younger. He’d bring a mountain of work, she’d invite herself in. Her eyes were full of wonder when she was watching him work, no matter how tedious. Even then, was she planning in taking his place ? He couldn’t tell if he missed this or not.

A flick on the forehead pulled him out of his reverie. Haman was very much an adult now, and all her eyes were full with was condescension.

« Is this nostalgic for you? » she teased. He didn’t respond.

Smiling, she put her leg up and dropped her heeled foot down in-between his legs, right above his crotch. He slouched into the chair and sighed.

« A bit basic, isn’t it ? » She said nothing, and pressed down.

He winced.

« You don’t seem to understand your situation. » she said, stern.

He wanted to laugh, despite the pain. It was all so absurd.

« What else were you expecting ? », he let out in a strangled voice.

She smiled and creeped closer to him, bending her leg to keep her foot in place. In his ear, she whispered :

« It’s good that you fight back. You’d be so boring otherwise. Just a pathetic creep that likes to break little girls like toys... »

He could feel his anger rising up. How dare she, he thought. You’ve done way worse to me than I’ve ever done to you. I didn’t force you. I may never have loved you, but you were the one who always came back to me...

But beneath that anger was his shame and disgust. How could I let you do that. How could I have liked it. Does this mean this is my real place, all that I’m worth ?

Once again, he tried to file away his feelings. How can I take advantage of the situation, how can I come out on top ?

She was looming over him, enjoying his internal torment.

« Why are you like this ? Do you think it’s my fault ? » he asked, still in pain.

She removed her foot, put her hands on each side of his head and kissed his mouth roughly.

It was less passionate than their first, but just as aggressive. He tried not to respond, but he couldn’t help but fight back, kiss back, like it was instinct. This is better than just taking it, he thought, it’s better than being a victim.

She pulled back, stared at him.

« Grab my waist. »

He complied. Looking into her eyes, he thumbed the fat on her belly. I can still find a way, he thought.

« Kiss me, then raise your knee in-between my leg. You don’t get to touch anything under my waist or any skin that’s not already exposed. »

She started kissing him again, settling in the chair on top of him. He raised his knee. She moaned in his mouth. Moving his hands up to her chest, he could feel the tremors of her pleasure.

This is the most balanced situation we could get, he thought. She gets to use me for her pleasure, I get to have control over that pleasure. We are both equals in this, in a way. Wistful, he pictured them both together, liberators, standing side by side...

Resentment rose up in him like bile. But this isn’t enough, he thought. I need more.

He pulled out of her embrace and asked breathlessly :

« Can I choke you a little ? »

She stared at him, dumbfounded.

« I said a little. » he added, his face serious.

She pushed him away. She seemed hesitant.

Then, she pulled him close, almost nose to nose.

« Beg me. Beg me to let you choke me. » she spit at his face.

\- Your majesty, he said, as pleadingly as he could. Please, let me. »

Slowly, she took his hands in hers and put them on her throat. He put his lips to hers, and pressed.

He could every details of her neck under his fingers, the smoothness of her skin, all the weak, breakable bones. The touch alone was intoxicating.

Did she enjoy this ? He could feel her throbbing under his hands, her moans smothered by their kiss. She had slipped her hand in between her legs and was working herself up. That stung him. He felt like a tool, a simple utensil in her closed fantasy.

Nevertheless, he couldn’t discard the feeling of power the act of having his hands at her throat gave him. She must feel the same, letting me do this to her, knowing that I will never go through with it. A thought passed his mind. He could picture her lifeless body, laying prone on the desk...

She came on his knees, helped by her fingers. He didn’t remove his hands.

He could see panic in her eyes, as she realized that he wasn’t stopping. She grasped his wrists and tried to dig in, in vain.His eyes wide open, he stared at her as if to say, do you understand how it feel ? Having someone else hold your life in their hand ?

She let out out a cry :

« Stop. »

He let go.

She backed away from him, leaning on the desk and catching her breath. He waited for her retaliation, sitting cross legged on the chair.

« Go away. I need to think. » she muttered, trying to regain her composure.

Silently, he sat up, bowed and left the room. He too didn’t know what to think of the situation.

_

Haman came back to him the next day. He was sulking at his usual place in the hangar. She stood next to him, leaning on the rail.

« Last time we saw each other, did you intend to kill me? » she asked. He didn’t respond. He could have brought up many logical arguments as to why murdering the beloved leader of the isolated space rock you were residing in was a bad idea, but it wasn’t what she wanted to hear anyway.

« Come to my room. We need to have a private talk. »

He didn’t protest.

__

Her room had changed. She had put away her knick-knacks and the pale pink that she liked as a child. She also seemed to have chased the clutter and general disorder she always blamed on time, or lack of it. In place was an ordered, relatively sober bedroom, which she must have judged more befitting someone in her position.

Interrupting his wordless judgement, she went straight to the point.

« I think we already have an exchange in place, and that we should formalize it. » she said matters-of-factly. He looked to her, curious.

« I thought you didn’t want to talk about it.

\- That’s was a mistake.

\- Not your only mistake. »

She ignored him. She could feel the bitterness underlining his words.

« So ? What do you want ?

\- It doesn’t matter what I want. You can just order me.

\- Char. I don’t hate you. I’m just ambivalent. »

I’m a lot less ambivalent about you, he refused to say out loud. First because he didn’t want to ruin his chances to get close to her, second because his feelings were too mixed between prideful respect and utter loathing.

« So, I’ll ask again : what do you want ?

\- You will never stop wanting to debase me, won’t you.

\- No, she said candidly. Your frustration at little things is your most attractive feature. »

He laughed. We’re too alike, he thought. He could remember, during his time as an ace, delighting in teasing, frustrating and ultimately destroying his opponent. There wasn’t a better feeling to him, and she felt the same. She won’t let me put her through it, he told himself. She won’t be able to willingly subject herself to humiliation.

« Let me do the same to you. Otherwise this will never be mutual.

\- Alright. Do you want to start now ? » she added casually.

He didn’t expect that, he didn’t expect her calm. In this crucial moment, his mind went blank.

« Yes. » That was all he could say.

She moved toward the bed.

« I’m going to take off my clothes. You can keep yours. You would like that, wouldn’t you ? Taking me naked while you still have your uniform on ? » She was smiling and his mouth was drying up. He could only nod. Slowly, she started to undress.

It wasn’t the very act of disrobing that disturbed him, it was the honesty, the openness with which it was offered. This isn’t her, she has to have a plan, he thought, his mind in panic.

« I’ve finished. You can come here, now. » she said, smiling and open.

Still mute, he moved toward her naked form and put his hand on her hip, trembling ever-so-slightly. He could feel himself burning, his mind floating away. He pictured himself pushing her down, the rough fabric of the uniform digging in, reddening her skin, him holding her wrists above her head, her screaming...

He could see it in his mind, but he couldn’t do it.

Silently, he kneeled before her and embraced her lower half, resting his head against her stomach. The softness brought him back, back when he was a child...

I shouldn’t be thinking about my mother at a time like this, he thought.

He felt a hand passing through his hair. He looked up to Haman. Grinning, she whispered :

« Good boy. »

This isn’t helping, he thought, still pressing his head against her soft belly.

« Since you’re not ready to perform, I’ll take your turn, she said, smug.

\- You’re infuriating.

\- That’s the best quality we share, don’t you think. »

He turned away from her and started to undress, not wanting to face her in his vulnerable state.

« I want to do something for you. », she said behind his back.

He peeked behind his shoulder. He could see her putting on some sort of black, plastic toy. He couldn’t help but let out a slight smile. This dynamic is getting a lot less metaphorical, he told himself.

« Turn around. » she ordered. She was sitting on the bad, her leg spread, the fake cock dangling in between.

« You need to do something for me first. »

Their eyes locked.

« Kneel. »

Under her hard gaze, he complied. The floor was hard under his knees. If he did this too long, it would hurt. She grabbed the toy between her legs.

« Suck. » she said authoritatively. He obeyed.

It tasted clean, artificial. He hesitated around the tip, but she buried both of her hand in his head, puppeteering him slowly down the shaft.

What a fruitless endeavor, he let himself thought. Neither one of us is going to get off from this. She started to talk.

« Prettyboy. » she said softly.

So it was still about that, he though. This is why it’s for her.

He could just picture the large grin on her face.

« Cocksucker. »

He kept going at it. This wasn’t important to him. He could get through with it.

« I can see how you rose up so fast now. Why you were so popular with the top brass.»

He almost strangled himself to protest. In an instant, his anger had risen up, but she refused to untangle her fingers from his hair.

« You’re very talented, she laughed, now get off. I need to take care of you. »

She let go of his head, letting him catch his breath. This is all part of the game, he told himself, trying to calm down. Underneath the anger was the shame and the disgust, and he couldn’t show that to her, not yet.

« Get face down on the bed, so that I can talk into your ear. »

His knees hurting, he crawled on the bed, waiting for her to act.

She grabbed his butt, feeling it up deeply.

« I though this wasn’t for revenge. » he said.

She responded by pressing his head against the pillow with her other hand.

« You probably won’t need a lot of preparation. After all, since you were so pretty, the men must have been lining up to have their way with you. »

Aren’t you projecting, he wanted to retort, but he could only grunt.

She put a finger in. He shivered.

« Relax. This is for you, after all. Since you’re so bad at giving. »

She pulled in a second and started to scissor him open.

He was starting to feel overwhelmed by the new sensations, by the fact that he was letting her do this. I can deal with it latter, he thought, I need to push it away, I just need to enjoy this.

Patting his head, she pushed the toy in, cold with lube, and rolled her hips.

He felt full, full and strangely comforted. Her heat was above him, encircling him. There is something to abject submission, he thought, something warm, something comforting. No worries to be had anymore. He moaned with pleasure.

« Amazing, she mocked. How can you be both such a slut and such a virgin. »

He only grunted in response. Both because her dirty talk was getting weak and her thrusts were getting straight to his brain. He could feel himself getting hotter and hotter, his mind getting lighter and lighter, her weight was crushing him...

He spilled, messy and sweaty, on the bedsheets. She pulled out, satisfied, and rolled next to him. Staring at him, she slipped her hand in-between her legs.

Pulling himself out of his wasted mental state, he snaked next to her and put his hand on hers, puppeteering her own fingers into the folds of her cunt.

She smiled at him, delighted.

Settling against her side, naked skin on naked skin, he started to whisper in her ear :

« I will never forgive you for what you’ve done to me the first night, the shame, the loathing you gave me. I may fall for you, I may rule by your side, I may say that I love you, but I’ll never forget, I’ll never forgive how you dirtied me. When you fall, I’ll only laugh and spit on you... »

She moaned loudly, while the rhythm of their tangled fingers was bringing her to a wet climax.

Removing his hand, he embraced her still trembling from the aftermath, pulling her close against his heart. This time, she embraced him back.

They stayed locked in a cuddle, her head resting against his chest.

She was the one to break the silence.

« I guess we have a deal. 

\- Yes. Whatever. »

The intensity of the act had worn down every part of him. He only wanted to drift away, not talk about the mess he’d gotten himself into.

She broke the silence once again.

« The things you told me, did you mean them ?

\- Should you care, he responded, dismissive.

\- I guess you’re right. »

She thumbed the ribs on his side.

« We could have been good, the two of us. Back then.

\- That’s only nostalgia. » he said, burying his face in her hair and letting his mind drift into nothingness.


End file.
